I dont know why and what I am goign to write today but there are too many things in my head and I need to get some thoughts out and hence I am writing this. Today has been a bad day. We had 2 major losses in Spardha and it has made me feel too bad. I know it does not matter as its a small sports event but then I am very competitive and thats not a very good thing to be. Also ManU has failed to win the first 3 games of the new season and Ferrari is languishign way behind in the constructor championship. Do I need more reasons to be down?
I am missing home and I want to get there desperately. But I know that I would not be able to go home before December. There are loads of submission coming up and so are the exams. CCS submission is around the corner with a report to write.
I have been trying to sleep for the last 30 minutes but no luck. All in all currently I am in not so happy state. Hopefully this will change soon!!! Please some good news in the next few days.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Vicious circle
I have been a reasonably successful guy who has achieved certain things in life a lot of people would like to or aim to achieve. This is not to make a point that I have done well or not but to put things into perspective that the discussion that is going to follow is not out of frustration. It is further to stress the point that if a person who has had a normal life can have such fears and anxieties a person not so successful or a person who had an abnormal life would definitely have much more to fear about.
There are days when I find myself just thinking about am I good enough. Am I the person every body apart from me thinks I am? There are people in my family who look up to me for inspiration and there are others who think me as their role model but frankly speaking I have my doubts. What is there in me that inspire them to believe in me so much when even I am not sure of my capabilities? What if I go wrong some where? Would these people continue to have faith in me or would most of them just walk away and speak of a person who promised a lot but failed to deliver. I am scared and feel vulnerable when such thoughts take over my mind and then there are days when I can’t think of much apart from these things. I feel lost: like a small baby who is lost in the vast world and has no where to go. My mind stops working and all the thinking is done by the heart.
Moreover my capabilities have so far been tested mostly in the “non-real” academic life and not in the “real” world. Who is to say I would be able to do well in the real world as well. What will happen in a scenario when I am not able to perform in the real world? Will the people who have praised me all this while stick around my tough days and regard me as the same person or would they change their perception of who I am?
A very reasonable question is why I care what people think about me. I have tried to answer this question and justify the fact that I should not be but there are some compelling reasons so as to honor their faith:
Firstly these are people who have had a hand in my success either small or big. So they have every right to have expectations from me and these expectations make me vulnerable
Secondly I believe that some people die with their death and others continue to live on. I don’t want to die ever. I want to do something that others would always remember me for. It might be a selfish endeavor and probably a hollow reason but some how to me it always feels important
Thirdly now that there have been so much expectation around me there are a lot of people who are ready with their knives out to slaughter me and people who believe in me for the tiniest mistake I make. If it was me alone I would have lived with it but some of the others are people whom I respect a lot and can’t see somebody throwing mud on their face.
I know this is a struggle I have to fight alone and can’t dare to loose but till when should I fight. Till what date would I have to keep on proving my self so that others don’t change their perception of me because of a single mistake. Also this is a vicious circle. The more you achieve the more people expect from you. Finally and most importantly when would that phase come when I would be supremely confident of me and my abilities? Would it ever come if I have all these thoughts? I some how doubt but then I don’t see a path away from these doubts presently!!
I believe that there is a plot for every one who comes to the world and one day this mystery would definitely be resolved as part of the bigger plan. Till that day I will continue to put in effort to solve it and hope for the best!!
There are days when I find myself just thinking about am I good enough. Am I the person every body apart from me thinks I am? There are people in my family who look up to me for inspiration and there are others who think me as their role model but frankly speaking I have my doubts. What is there in me that inspire them to believe in me so much when even I am not sure of my capabilities? What if I go wrong some where? Would these people continue to have faith in me or would most of them just walk away and speak of a person who promised a lot but failed to deliver. I am scared and feel vulnerable when such thoughts take over my mind and then there are days when I can’t think of much apart from these things. I feel lost: like a small baby who is lost in the vast world and has no where to go. My mind stops working and all the thinking is done by the heart.
Moreover my capabilities have so far been tested mostly in the “non-real” academic life and not in the “real” world. Who is to say I would be able to do well in the real world as well. What will happen in a scenario when I am not able to perform in the real world? Will the people who have praised me all this while stick around my tough days and regard me as the same person or would they change their perception of who I am?
A very reasonable question is why I care what people think about me. I have tried to answer this question and justify the fact that I should not be but there are some compelling reasons so as to honor their faith:
Firstly these are people who have had a hand in my success either small or big. So they have every right to have expectations from me and these expectations make me vulnerable
Secondly I believe that some people die with their death and others continue to live on. I don’t want to die ever. I want to do something that others would always remember me for. It might be a selfish endeavor and probably a hollow reason but some how to me it always feels important
Thirdly now that there have been so much expectation around me there are a lot of people who are ready with their knives out to slaughter me and people who believe in me for the tiniest mistake I make. If it was me alone I would have lived with it but some of the others are people whom I respect a lot and can’t see somebody throwing mud on their face.
I know this is a struggle I have to fight alone and can’t dare to loose but till when should I fight. Till what date would I have to keep on proving my self so that others don’t change their perception of me because of a single mistake. Also this is a vicious circle. The more you achieve the more people expect from you. Finally and most importantly when would that phase come when I would be supremely confident of me and my abilities? Would it ever come if I have all these thoughts? I some how doubt but then I don’t see a path away from these doubts presently!!
I believe that there is a plot for every one who comes to the world and one day this mystery would definitely be resolved as part of the bigger plan. Till that day I will continue to put in effort to solve it and hope for the best!!
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Orkut: The place of good people
I have been thinking about this for a while now. Any testimonial that you see in orkut always talks about how good the person it. It never talks about the bad things person posses. According to these testimonial all the people on orkut are awesome and are amazing and brilliant ..... . But statistically speaking this is not possible. If we define amazing people to be the top 5% (or 10%) of the entire population then assuming that orkut is a fair reflection of the general population only 5 (or10%) of the entire orkut community can be really awesome or really great or brilliant. But it seems like most of the people on orkut are great etc. etc... So where does the trick lie.
I don’t have a correct answer to this but my guess is that people see what they want to see in a person. Every body on the planet has shades of black, grey etc. but if I am a friend of yours then I tend to ignore these shades and look at the white part of yours. I tend to see only the good things that you have and leave the bad part alone and hence a person who is good in the eyes of one can be a bad person in the eyes of other. (Well we see the frame of reference does matter a lot here as well and not only in physics.). But then how do you define a person to be good or bad. Hitler a person who has been declared bad by most would be admired (or may have been admired) by certain people. Doesn't it make him a good person may be in the eyes of few people only but it certainly does. This means that there are no good people or bad people so as to say but its the frame of reference that makes them good or bad.
The aim for a man should be 2 fold:
1) To be good in as many frames of references as possible
2) To make sure that in his frame of reference most of the people are good
To me its the former which is the easier part but the later which is much more difficult as the former could be achieved by deceiving others while in the later you have to deceive yourself in case you decide to be untruthful. Deceiving others is far more easily than deceiving yourself and hence the objective no.1 is easier to achieve. Hence it is difficult to find people who love everybody than those who are loved by everybody. That’s the precise reason why our ancestors used to lay stress on seeing every human being in the same light!!!
I don’t have a correct answer to this but my guess is that people see what they want to see in a person. Every body on the planet has shades of black, grey etc. but if I am a friend of yours then I tend to ignore these shades and look at the white part of yours. I tend to see only the good things that you have and leave the bad part alone and hence a person who is good in the eyes of one can be a bad person in the eyes of other. (Well we see the frame of reference does matter a lot here as well and not only in physics.). But then how do you define a person to be good or bad. Hitler a person who has been declared bad by most would be admired (or may have been admired) by certain people. Doesn't it make him a good person may be in the eyes of few people only but it certainly does. This means that there are no good people or bad people so as to say but its the frame of reference that makes them good or bad.
The aim for a man should be 2 fold:
1) To be good in as many frames of references as possible
2) To make sure that in his frame of reference most of the people are good
To me its the former which is the easier part but the later which is much more difficult as the former could be achieved by deceiving others while in the later you have to deceive yourself in case you decide to be untruthful. Deceiving others is far more easily than deceiving yourself and hence the objective no.1 is easier to achieve. Hence it is difficult to find people who love everybody than those who are loved by everybody. That’s the precise reason why our ancestors used to lay stress on seeing every human being in the same light!!!
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