Vicious circle

I have been a reasonably successful guy who has achieved certain things in life a lot of people would like to or aim to achieve. This is not to make a point that I have done well or not but to put things into perspective that the discussion that is going to follow is not out of frustration. It is further to stress the point that if a person who has had a normal life can have such fears and anxieties a person not so successful or a person who had an abnormal life would definitely have much more to fear about.

There are days when I find myself just thinking about am I good enough. Am I the person every body apart from me thinks I am? There are people in my family who look up to me for inspiration and there are others who think me as their role model but frankly speaking I have my doubts. What is there in me that inspire them to believe in me so much when even I am not sure of my capabilities? What if I go wrong some where? Would these people continue to have faith in me or would most of them just walk away and speak of a person who promised a lot but failed to deliver. I am scared and feel vulnerable when such thoughts take over my mind and then there are days when I can’t think of much apart from these things. I feel lost: like a small baby who is lost in the vast world and has no where to go. My mind stops working and all the thinking is done by the heart.

Moreover my capabilities have so far been tested mostly in the “non-real” academic life and not in the “real” world. Who is to say I would be able to do well in the real world as well. What will happen in a scenario when I am not able to perform in the real world? Will the people who have praised me all this while stick around my tough days and regard me as the same person or would they change their perception of who I am?

A very reasonable question is why I care what people think about me. I have tried to answer this question and justify the fact that I should not be but there are some compelling reasons so as to honor their faith:

Firstly these are people who have had a hand in my success either small or big. So they have every right to have expectations from me and these expectations make me vulnerable

Secondly I believe that some people die with their death and others continue to live on. I don’t want to die ever. I want to do something that others would always remember me for. It might be a selfish endeavor and probably a hollow reason but some how to me it always feels important

Thirdly now that there have been so much expectation around me there are a lot of people who are ready with their knives out to slaughter me and people who believe in me for the tiniest mistake I make. If it was me alone I would have lived with it but some of the others are people whom I respect a lot and can’t see somebody throwing mud on their face.

I know this is a struggle I have to fight alone and can’t dare to loose but till when should I fight. Till what date would I have to keep on proving my self so that others don’t change their perception of me because of a single mistake. Also this is a vicious circle. The more you achieve the more people expect from you. Finally and most importantly when would that phase come when I would be supremely confident of me and my abilities? Would it ever come if I have all these thoughts? I some how doubt but then I don’t see a path away from these doubts presently!!
I believe that there is a plot for every one who comes to the world and one day this mystery would definitely be resolved as part of the bigger plan. Till that day I will continue to put in effort to solve it and hope for the best!!