The verdict

         The verdict is finally out and I have lost. Not only have I lost I have lost huge. I have had that one moment when you realise that you have been living a pseudo life a life which is far from reality, a life in which what you are and what you think you are are like two shores of a river - they never meet. It is in this moment I realised that I have lost. The only real surprise to me now is not that I figured this out but the fact that it took me this long to figure it out. There have been signs all along of this but I have always turned a blind eye to it and people around me have never pointed that to me. Not that I blame them because I don't think they could have figured that out - I duped them too as I had duped myself.

       I am talking about having a fighting spirit. I always assumed I had a good figthing spirit and that once there is a big problem I will fight even harder. But I realised recently that this is not the case. I was reading various things that people have written about me. Every body was unanimous in their opinion that I was destined for big things. But the irony of the thing is that I never felt the same way about me. I always had a doubt that although I have done reasonably well in my life so far my expectations of myself was very different from what peoples expectation of me were. And this made me think what is the real reason of this. I could have brushed it aside by saying I am a person who is not confident about myself but I think I know this much that I am a confident person. So I thought and thought about it. and then..

      it came to me in a flash - sort of after the last 7-8 years of my life flashed in front of me. It was crystal clear to me.  I have always shied away from a real fight. I am not saying that I have never fought in my life but I will say this that there is a an optimum size of problem and if I think the problem is bigger my will to fight sort of diminishes exponentially. And this is the thing that bothers me the most. I think people who succeed in life do fight hard and fight the hardest when chips are really down. I thought of incidents in the past where I can see that happening over and over again. I can see that in my day to day life - on sports field and in class rooms. In career and personal problems alike. To sum up I think I am a very bad competitor.

     Naturally the thing one should do is to get rid of ones weaknesses. Now I thought the same about this one as well. But the thing is to be more competitive you need to compete and since I dont have the will to do so I dont. I can only say I am stuck between rock and the hard place. I want to improve myself but I am just not able to. I have always sort of taken the "easy way out" and it seems like I will continue to do so. I think from now on since I have realised it I will fight a bit more but this is not my innate nature and to go against it will take some doing. I will try but I have doubts about the success - serious doubts I must say.